Free Book Online
Book Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids


Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

2.4 (3371)

Log in to rate this item

    Available in PDF - DJVU Format | Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids.pdf | Language: ENGLISH
    Leanne Shirtliffe(Author)

    Book details

"Leanne Shirtliffe writes with hilarity and poignancy as to the trials and pains (literally) of motherhood. She is our new Erma Bombeck!"
--Elizabeth Boyle, New York Times best-selling author
As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia's sin city. But in spite of deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap, Shirtliffe manages to keep her babies alive for a year with help from a Coca-Cola deliveryman, several waitresses, and a bra factory. Then she and her husband return home to the isolation of North American suburbia.

In Don't Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as:
  • The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.
  • The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan's paint with rocks.
  • The funeral she officiated for "Stripper Barbie."
  • The horror of glitter.
  • And much more!
A delayed encounter with postpartum depression helps Shirtliffe to realize that even if she can't teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she's a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins' college, eh, therapy fund. And possibly her own. Crisply written, Don't Lick the Minivan will have parents laughing out loud and nodding in agreement. Shirtliffe's memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.

"Leanne Shirtliffe is awesome and so is this book. I'm bad at writing blurbs." -Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess), #1 New York Times bestselling author of Let's Pretend This Never Happened"Toddler diarrhea and newborn vomit isn't all that entertaining, but somehow when Leanne Shirtliffe writes about it, it's laugh-out-loud funny. I swear, she's living in my house and taking notes. Actually, I wish she were--we'd have a freaking blast together." -Jill Smokler, New York Times bestselling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy"Leanne Shirtliffe has a sharp eye for the little moments of insanity that make up the modern parenting experience. Also, she's super funny and the chapters are short enough to read in the four minutes you're allowed in the bathroom each day." -Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, bestselling author of Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay and Naptime Is the New Happy Hour"When you become a parent, conversations start to sound more like a game of Mad Libs than anything actually sane. In the laugh-out-loud book Don't Lick the Minivan, Leanne Shirtliffe shares the funniest phrases she never thought she'd say. Hands down, the best book with the phrase 'He looks like a human Pez dispenser' I've read all year!" -Kristen Pomranz, Editor, Nickelodeon's"Leanne Shirtliffe has written a side-splitting and thoughtful take on life with twins. As a humor writer, a parent, and a twin myself, this book had me laughing and thinking, then laughing again, long after I finished it. If you're into public fits of hysterics, try reading this book on a subway or bus, and prepare for strange looks from fellow passengers." -Terry Fallis, author of The Best Laid Plans and winner of both The Stephen Leacock Award for Humour and Canada Reads 2011 Leanne Shirtliffe is an award-winning humor blogger. She writes funny stuff for the Huffington Post and Nickelodeon's When she's not stopping her twins from licking frozen flagpoles, she teaches English to teenagers who are slightly less hormonal than she is.

3.5 (6121)
  • Pdf

*An electronic version of a printed book that can be read on a computer or handheld device designed specifically for this purpose.

Formats for this Ebook

Required Software Any PDF Reader, Apple Preview
Supported Devices Windows PC/PocketPC, Mac OS, Linux OS, Apple iPhone/iPod Touch.
# of Devices Unlimited
Flowing Text / Pages Pages
Printable? Yes

Book details

  • PDF | 304 pages
  • Leanne Shirtliffe(Author)
  • Skyhorse Publishing; 1 edition (May 22, 2013)
  • English
  • 7
  • Literature & Fiction

Read online or download a free book: Don't Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids


Review Text

  • By Clay Morgan on May 26, 2013

    Don't Lick the Minivan features adventures in Bangkok, missing newborns, and a breast milk spray halftime show. And that's in like the first two chapters.And it's nonfiction.Leanne Shirtliffe is a funny woman. The way she tells these tales of having and raising kids is entertaining whether you've walked that path or not, but let me tell you: Moms, dads, and parents to be need to read this book! And what a great gift it will make for someone in your life. You can't read this book without wanting to immediately share it with whoever is around you.Leanne's hilarious style chronicles the early years of having and raising twins, starting with the chaos of adapting parenting books to first Thailand, then reality.I've lost sleep this week reading about the travails of Leanne and her husband's international child-rearing from Asia to Canada."How do you pack for a 120-degree drop in temperature?" she asks.Another favorite moment in the book is the quest of a rather tall, former basketball player to find proper-fitting nursing bras in the land of Thai women who "wear bras that come in battery sizes: AAA to C." Leanne recounts how she had been down this road before, when she first needed to find size ten shoes for women. She says:"So, when I was in a beach town, I saw a posse of transvestites. I chased them down, stopped one who was taller (and had shapelier legs) than me, and asked him where he bought her shoes."This book features tender moments as well, truly a useful and encouraging resource. It should be the new supplemental resource to What To Expect When You're Expecting.

  • By Gloria R on July 27, 2013

    Leanne's humor pops on every page of this book. Her wit shines, yet never seems contrived or forced. She weaves her tale of pregnancy and parenting in such a way that she brings the reader with her on her coffee-spew ride.Having never experienced pregnancy, childbirth, or raising children, I wondered if I'd relate. It didn't matter. Leanne writes the type of humor that is universally funny and relatable.I've ordered the print version for my small, porcelain-appointed, guest "library." I love to share the glee. Bonus! I get to reread it as often as I'd like -- with or without my Kindle at hand. It's going in all future baby shower gift baskets and will be a go-to gift for friends and family with children, grandchildren, precocious nieces and nephews of all ages.This is a humor writer to follow. KUDOS, Leanne.

  • By William Surovic on March 12, 2018

    many funny family antics in the book. She is an excellent story teller and reminds us of raising our own children with a twist,,, twins. Double everything.

  • By happy reader on January 31, 2018

    An entertaining romp thru the birth and first years of the author's twins. Laugh out loud moments when Mom had to cope with Will and Vivian's antics. Also a sweet love poem from .Mom to her hubby Chris and, as she says, her "spawn". Fun read as a break from heavy stuff or violent murder mysteries.

  • By Susan Rebillot on January 31, 2018

    This book was so amazingly funny. I got it on a bargain day and I'm glad it came across one of my feeds. I'm not a parent at all but it had me laughing the entire time. Think of "Roseanne" but much more eloquent. It is a great, funny read.

  • By just jenn on February 1, 2018

    So wonderful to read these recollections! It's helpful to know we're all in this mess together. Yes, it's hard, but it's funny, too. And worth it.

  • By GJWms on January 28, 2018

    I liked the humor especially followed by the sappy notes. Your kids will cherish those later in life...I know I cherish the ones my mom left me. I can't wait to read about their teenage years...those will definately offer some funny stories but more trying times for you...I suggest less alcohol and more Prozac😨.

  • By pear tree court on March 19, 2018

    Funny,funny book! I urge you to try it!

  • Name:
    The message text*: